my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
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Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️