Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
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[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Thank you corporation very cool
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening