Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
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I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer