[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
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I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
They did not think through this water fountain
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.