MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
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My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
barbara was highly relatable
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup