is this a warning or an offer?
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I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
road rage
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Bike for sale
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Ha
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?