The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
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[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.