Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
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white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Boating season is upon us.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Succinctly put.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.