(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
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I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.