Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
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Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Spam popsicles.
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