I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
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Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday