I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
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Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call