[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
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One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
my dad has had enough
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I wanna be friends with this person
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.