Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
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Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.