me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
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Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.