Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
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Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]