hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
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Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan