Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
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HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY