grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
You Might Also Like
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
That eye roll….
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
me after drinking all the wine:
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom