*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
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[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Mood.. 😂
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”