Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
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My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Aight bet
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?