Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
You Might Also Like
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?