Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
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Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Important reminders
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years