Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
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I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
She: I like Cats
He:
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?