Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
You Might Also Like
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Worth remembering.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.