Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
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Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.