[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
You Might Also Like
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.