There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
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If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Home is where your toilet is.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I am yelling
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]