If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
You Might Also Like
when there are deer in the woods
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Nigella has gone too far this time.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right