i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
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Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
how long have you had this for?
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I came this close!!!!
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made