And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
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Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Great Canadian literature.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool