Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
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[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl