The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
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[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go