No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
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“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Seems legit
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!