Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
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The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year