I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
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My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers