I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
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I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”