Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
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me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Yup.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I love the National Park Service.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
This is my emotional support knife.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore