Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!