Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
You Might Also Like
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.