People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
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Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.