My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he鈥檒l never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 馃挍.
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If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn鈥檛. Except this one.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 饾槼饾槮饾樁饾槾饾槩饾槪饾槶饾槮 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they鈥檇 all have a job.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What鈥檚 the problem?
Police: You鈥檙e not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We鈥檙e taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
My body feels like it鈥檚 aging in dog years
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
It鈥檚 amazing how many errands I鈥檓 willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I鈥檒l go.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!