I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
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I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Body by Oreos
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.