Thrilling chase underway
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I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”