My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
You Might Also Like
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm