The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
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last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I like crazy people until they notice me
don’t we all