Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
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Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.