Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
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If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.