Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
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Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.