Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
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Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Bed should get ready for ME
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants